Things that are Certain

1. Your OkCupid date will be 2 inches shorter than he claims on his profile: Adjust your expectations accordingly.

2. City-dwellers will not survive the zombie apocalypse: Here’s the thing. Pretty much everyone I know likes to talk about the seeming eventuality of a zombie apocolypse and what methods they would employ to survive such an event. The plans are always pretty convoluted, but always end in the certainty that they will be among the final living inhabitants of the earth, helping to rebuild society long after everyone else is dead and the final zombie has been slain. I’m here to tell you, that’s not the case. We will all be dead. I know this because I went camping this weekend (in a fully outfitted cabin with electric heat, a full bath, and a microwave) and not a single one of six adults present could get our fire to start correctly. We had to ask the gentleman (read: redneck) on the adjacent campground to come assist us with his mass quantities of lighter fluid, his hatchet, and his lantern helmet. That man will survive. We will all die, because when the walking dead come for us, “glamping” will almost certainly not be an option.

3. You will receive a sermon on your commute: Or is this one just me? Because apparently 14th & Irving has all of the proselytizers, and worse yet, some of them can afford to ride the Circulator. (But really, I’m not complaining. Anything is better than commuting from the suburbs past the growling Starbucks man).

4. Hearing Loss: Direct result of various attempts to drown out the crazy (see item #3).

5. Penn State is the worst: As if we really needed further proof.

Tags: commuting, dating, DC, public transportation, rage, regret, shameful, Washington

Things that are Not Trustworthy

1. People with baby strollers and no babies: Seriously, people. What did you do with the baby? Just toss them in the bushes and then hop back on the metro? And why leave the double-wide stroller unfolded when there’s not actually a human in it? It seems to me the only explanation is that you are a terrible person who likes to take up space and abandon tiny humans in strange parts of the city, and we just can’t have that. Especially not during rush hour.

2. Dark corners of english basements: You might think it’s safe to reach for that stray sock in the back of your closet, but when a cave cricket jumps out at you, you’ll know that was a foolish choice.

3. Pandora: Just when you think Pandora has your jams down, they’ll play Coldplay. Or worse. Acoustic Dave Matthews.

4. Target: Okay, in all fairness, it’s not Target that I can’t trust. It’s myself, every day when I get off the bus and have to walk past it to get home. I could literally find an excuse to go there every day. Not. Good.

5. The resurgence of this blog: Excited for more posts to come soon? You shouldn’t be.

Things that are Outrageous

1. Having credit: I bought a much-needed ultra lightweight new laptop this weekend. I’m pretty much in love and so ready to take my writing on the road, now that it doesn’t mean lugging around a million pounds of failing hard drive with me. Anyway, I went to a Big Box store to buy the fancy new computer, along with a super insane warranty (because I do things like fall asleep with my laptop in my bed and wake up to me sending it flying into the wall*), and am still genuinely shocked that they let me have it. The country is in more trouble than I thought if I’m considered adult enough to be eligible for enough credit to make that purchase (not to mention the fact that I could go back and buy a couple big screens tomorrow, if I wanted). Either that, or I’m older than I’d like to admit, which to be fair, also makes me outraged.

2. Marcus Mumford was born on the same day as my best friend: People my age that are exponentially more successful never cease to amaze me. It makes me feel extremely untalented and inadequate, until I decide that they’re just super humans, and as far as normal humans go, I’m still doing pretty alright.Clearly one of many talents is lying to myself.

3. This video of a cat playing with a dolphin: Actually, I’m not sure what’s more outrageous–that this video exists, or that Jimmy Buffet sent it to me with the subject “Cat Dolphin–Watch this!!!!!!” The number of exclamation points is an accurate portrayal–has not been exaggerated for dramatic effect.

*Nothing screams, “I’m still single” like admitting I sometimes share my bed with my laptop. At least it doesn’t try to cuddle.

Tags: being broke, family, shameful, technology

Things that are Badass

1. Having a secret: Too bad I’m terrible at keeping them.

2. Tattoos: Not lame shit like Chinese symbols or tramp stamps or any of that nonsense, but there’s just nothing more badass than having a full sleeve. Not that I would ever do that. It’s super unprofessional.

3. Harrison Ford: Who’s more badass than Han Solo and Indiana Jones? Wait, I thought of someone: Dr. Richard Kimble. I will name my first born son after Harrison, that’s how badass he is.

4. Knowing how to grill things: I only mastered the stove top this year, so open flames will continue to be something only really strong, intelligent, brave people can handle. And the Bethesda Fire Department is happy about that one…

Tags: cinematic adventures, firemen, grilling, guilty pleasures, harrison ford, nomz, shameful, tattoos, the fugitive, the great outdoors

More Things that are Pretentious

1. Yoga: Well not yoga per say, but people who do yoga. As a newcomer to the whole thing, I have to say that those people are just super full of themselves. Talking about how centered and fucking holy they are. I just don’t buy it. No one is that zen.

2. Tweeting about breaking world news: As if you are the one personally breaking the news to the American public and the world at large. As if your opinion mattered.

3. Referring to yourself as a free spirit: First of all, if you were really a free spirit, I don’t think you would take the time to categorize yourself. Second, what makes you think you’re the only one who doesn’t like to color inside the lines? I know a bunch of 5-year-olds that don’t color in the line either. Okay, well not really. I don’t know a bunch of 5-year-olds. But I do know one.

Tags: pretentious, rage, shameful

Things that are Sound

I had a shitty day today. So shitty in fact that I left work early and took a half day of PTO for wallowing purposes. My dearest friends, knowing I was having difficulties, had some really great things to say. Inspirational text messages, compassionate validations, and ultimately advice of the soundest variety. So for next time you’re down, or feeling crazy, or hating life, here are any number of things that are sound.

1. “Watch a love movie where everyone dies at the end. Or something with explosions. 2 Fast 2 Furious?”

2. “Buy an embarassing amount of junk food. Spend too much on beauty products. It’s the only time you can do both without feeling guilty.”

3. “You need to do fun things.”

4. “Consider coming to Madison?”

Things that are Better Than Metro

1. Almost every other public transportation system in the world: I don’t care if it’s the NYC Subway, the London Underground, or the Paris Metro, hell, even a San Francisco street car, it probably runs more efficiently than the DC Metro.

2. Being wrongly accused of a crime: At least at the end of that ordeal, you’d probably get some kind of giant payoff from a defamation of character lawsuit. And sure, you’re getting majorly fucked over, but only for a finite period of time. The Metro fucks you over every day. And then ups the fare, just to remind you whose boss.

3. The architectural integrity of LEGO toys: I’m pretty sure my 9-year-old cousin armed solely with those tiny pieces of plastic could create a higher quality infrastructure than what Metro’s working with right now.

4. Finding out you’re The Terminator’s love child: Sure, the closest thing America has to royalty will shun you for life, and kids everywhere will make fun of you, but at least you know your dad could beat the crap out of them. And as a bonus, you’re suddenly super rich.

5. Getting diagnosed with leprosy: At least they have their own colonies and shit. You’d never need to use public transportation again.

6. Pretty much everything: Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Tags: arnold, commuting, DC, public transportation, rage, shameful, Washington